Article 13
Why People Cheat In Relationships
Both male and female share the same basic need in relationships, and when these needs are not met, some people tend to search for a sense of fulfillment elsewhere. Most people do not typically set out to be “cheaters” but when the lack of attention in one capacity or another goes unfulfilled, infidelity issues can creep in. Three key points I would like to make before I go any farther are: 1. everyone is not assumed to cheat in a relationship just because they are unfulfilled. Depending on ones’ inner constitution or personal convictions, cheating may never occur during the relationship regardless of personal dissatisfaction. 2. People do not always cheat just to get extra sex on the side. 3. Just because a person cheats once does not mean that they’re always going to cheat. These are all misconception, and I will go back to each one of these three points in detail—not necessarily in the same order. I would like to express my opinion of what’s needed in every healthy relationship in order to prevent the potential deterioration that leads to infidelity.
As I mentioned earlier, that males and females have the same basic need in relationships. The first fundamental element to a healthy relationship is respected. To feel respected is to have a sense of honor and value placed upon you—this is how the ego in every person is stimulated. The ego or ones’ image of self is what primarily makes us who we are in relationships, and in every other aspect of our life. When we feel devalued by our mate, this will sever the cord of romance, and destroy sexual attraction as well as any other attraction we had towards our partner. Respecting your mate’s feelings during a disagreement, even fortifies the relationship bond. But if you do the opposite and call your mate out of their name during a disagreement, you will weaken, if not destroy the relationship bond. This is why name calling should be eliminated in arguments; because once you destroy your partners’ image of self—respect becomes voided. It is so hard to restore a persons’ image of self after shattering them with a degrading remark. Even when an apology is later given, a person may still remain wounded. Reconciliation is not easily made once a person is wounded.
The next fundamental element of a healthy relationship is telling your mate how attracted you are to them. Every ones’ body changes over time and none of us are going to remain in our twenty year old bodies. It is so crucial that we continue to admire and occasionally flirt with our mates. People like to know that they are still appealing in the eyes of their lover—and even others. This is why I believe that harmless flirting (flirting without any intentions) is healthy for a persons’ self image. When you deny your mate the attention that they deserve by not flirting with them—it can become the reason for them stepping out in the relationship.
In referenced to misconception number 2, People do not always cheat just to get extra sex on the side. Often it is a matter of getting attention from others who build their self image and make them feel good about themselves—attention that they do not get from home. No matter how long you have been with your mate, they need to hear you say, “You still turn me on”—and it shouldn’t be only when you want to make love. If you do not remind your mate of how attracted you are to them, someone else will express their attraction to your mate. This is such a major component because our sexuality and sensuality is intertwined with our image of self.
Misconception numbers 3: “Once a cheater always a cheater” is another misconception. People cheat for so many reasons. Some cheatings are premeditated and yet others are encountered by a compromising situation. It makes no difference how they’re caught into the web of infidelity—cheating is not necessarily a compulsion for everyone. Some “step-out” because of lack of personal attention given by a mate as I mentioned earlier, but also to get even with a cheating partner. Others may become temporarily bored sexually with their partner, or they might need validation in regards to “still having it.” Others may simply “step-out” by mere curiosity of being with someone new. No matter the reason, it does not mean that a person is going to do it again. How many of us have experimented with drugs, alcohol, or gambled away a paycheck, and only tried it once or maybe even a few times, but never went back to it afterwards? Sex is no different! Human beings are highly sexually driven creatures—coupled with curiosity.
For many, the image of self is directly connected to ones’ sexuality. This means that some people value who they are through their ability to be a good lover to their partner. For these people, their sexuality defines their self worth in the relationship. As unnerving as it may be, infidelity is common, and is part of the complexity of relationships. I am by no means condoning or advocating cheating in any relationship. From years of observing human behavior—especially around religious groups, I’ve learned that human nature will always rise no matter what spiritual or religious title a person wears. I have had parishioners to tell me in confidentiality that if they didn’t have that “fleeting affair,” they would not have had the strength to endure the discord in their marriage at that time, and would have divorced. These parishioners, both men and women have been married for many years and are yet with their spouses, but have never “stepped out” since. Again, I am not advocating infidelity in any situation, and by no means is making light of this hurting act, but simply stating that cheating is prevalent. It is simply the unfortunate reality of human behavior in many relationships.
Let’s go back and look at misconception number 1: Everyone is not assumed to cheat in a relationship just because they are unfulfilled. Even though most people become unfaithful because of lack of fulfillment (in whatever area of the relationship), it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat. Some people have very strong convictions about remaining loyal and faithful in relationships. Some are faithful and loyal even to the point of totally sacrificing their on happiness to remain true to their mate. These people live in a heighten awareness of observing personal morals and high values. Their ego or image of self is often defined and validated by their ability to maintain a clean and clear conscious—which is admirable. Living in a mindset of self respect and self honor is their mission. The comfort that they find in remaining faithful in an unfulfilling relationship, gives them their inner contentment towards the relationship. This inner contentment lends to their self confidence, and they find solace in living with integrity; needless to say that they observe a high constitution and are a rare breed.
Lack of fulfillment does not equal a cheating mate, but in our relationships, we should always do our best to be the best mate we can be. We should always consider the needs of our partner as we consider our own. Give to your partner the love and attention that you would give to yourself. Your partner will hopefully see your efforts and reciprocate that same affection.
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